Apartments, Groceries, and Moving Trucks

Well, last weekend we finally started moving into our apartment, at Fountain Glen in Lincoln. It’s a pretty nice place, although we have a lovely leak in the ceiling we need repaired. The apartment is a 2-floor, 2-bedroom, 2-bath setup, and the living arrangements are far superior to the dorms at UNL. On the other hand, I will be short on money for food, and I don’t have a job just yet, so I’ll be scraping by (on like $40 a week) unless I find a decent paycheck.

Today my grandpa took me to the Commissary on the fort to buy groceries. We got a ton of stuff, all non-perishable, including spices and soup and shit. Fortunately, our pantry is big enough that we can stash a ton of food for the long term, so I’m ready on that front. I’m supposed to start mowing his lawn (at my dad’s request) so he doesn’t have to. I should do it, but I hate mowing lawns so much that I’m reluctant. I don’t care how broke I am, if I own a home, I’m paying a mexican lad to mow the lawn. Fuck that noise.

Tomorrow we start moving the furniture into the apartment. We will be loading a U-Haul in Liberty and Leavenworth starting pretty early, then chilling for whatever’s left of the day. On Saturday, we’re heading up to Lincoln yet again to unload the truck, which I’m not looking forward to. The combination of apartment stairs and heavy-ass furniture does not thrill me.

Shit, I should say something funny. Yesterday, I went to see Damon Wayans, Jr. at the comedy club at Legends. The main 2 acts were decent, but pretty raunchy in a non-funny way. The opening act was crappy. I could have ad-libbed something better. The best thing I could come up with at the time was a joke about how Dave & Busters would charge you for the bathroom. “Nobody wins in the bathroom,” I would say. Maybe I’m not so funny after all.

My biggest concern of late has been searching for what I’m going to do after next year. I have really no idea what interests me in math or CS, and the one class I want to take this fall (Automata Theory) is full, so I might have to miss out on that. I suppose I should work harder at “self-starting” so I could probably learn a shit ton of stuff all on my own. That seems like it would take time and effort, and I’m lazy.

Right now I’m watching the second Tomb Raider movie. It’s not as neat as the original, but I suppose it has some positives. The DVD cover amuses me because Angelina Jolie’s right boob is dead center. It’s a good example of how the movie was marketed. I bought this for $3 at a garage sale. It cost slightly less than my bitchin’ gaming chair, for which I exceed the weight limit by about 70 pounds and a couple of feet in height.

Speaking of being a fatass, I need to lose some weight. My goal this fall is to get in reasonable shape so that I can cosplay as Captain Hammer from Dr. Horrible (Alan would be Dr. Horrible and Cori would do Penny). Of course at this rate I probably won’t make it in time, especially given my ice cream consumption. I think I’m going to do the “power station” thing at the rec center. That seems like a good way to lose some fat.

In other news, Kingdom Hearts II is a steaming pile of shit. It’s sort of unfortunate because I looked forward to it for so long, but I can no longer look past its flaws. So I stopped playing it in favor of replaying Metroid Prime 3. I think I might just give up on the KH franchise now. I loved the first game both times I played it, so maybe that was enough. I suppose I can hang on to the original game for later in life. Then again, by that point all of my childish optimism will have shriveled like a funny, shriveled thing, so I might just sell the damned thing.

This afternoon, I got my March of Dimes volunteer box in the mail. I mail out like a dozen cards to people in the neighborhood asking for money. I also donate some. It’s a pretty easy way to help out, and although I should remember how much I made doing this in 2007, I do not. It was high, though.

I need to write a letter to the dean of students asking for re-admission to UNL. I’m not particularly looking forward to starting that process, but I have made some first steps. The sooner I take care of it, the sooner I can get back to Lincoln. I plan on moving back in August so I can take care of some of the judicial crap and find a new psychologist. I’m hoping CAPS will just assign me one. Plus, being in Lincoln will be more fun and social, which I will enjoy.

My July looks pretty dull, though. I will be starting the re-admission process and hopefully a phlebotomy clinical in Leavenworth. I’m on a pseudo-waiting list to intern at Cushing Hospital. I need to arrange shit with the guy in charge, who is naturally on vacation until next Wednesday. My therapist is also on vacation, so I will have to call her about communicating with Dr. Portnoy, the director of CAPS at the health center. That’s Counseling and Psychological Services to the uninitiated.

I pre-ordered the next Don Hertzfeldt DVD (“i am so proud of you”) and an art print for about $50, my one splurge of the summer. I highly recommend the film, but of course I’ll probably make you all watch it anyway, so get ready. I’m also reading through the entirety of Calvin & Hobbes, which has drastically cut into my non-cartoon reading time. I’m more than 2/3 of the way through, so when I finish, I’m going to step up the actual book reading. For real.

I guess that’s about all that’s going on. I’m honestly looking forward to some stuff, which is a good sign. I need to figure out my schedule for the fall, especially if one class is full (Maybe I can sympathy my way in. Also, I’m a senior.). My short-term goal is just to get a fucking degree and move on. I don’t know about grad school yet, but I’ve heard a year off is overrated and I don’t want a real job just yet. I mean, I don’t know what I’d be doing, and I doubt it would be very much fun. But who knows. Sigh.

October in the Chair

I was told that my last note was “not funny enough” and that I should “eat a handful of sharp, painful tacks.” I shall try ever so much harder this time.

This week ushered in midterm season, a very special two-week season of midterms. This was the first week, obviously. I had 3 tests, and next week I have 1 more. After that, fall break, a magic the gathering tournament, gamercon, and “i am so proud of you.” I’m sort of excited about them in that order as well. Let’s learn together!

Fall break will probably suck. Now that I know my tolerance for LV is less than 3 weeks, I’m worried how much more it has shrunken in the meantime. It could be drastic. Anyway, I have to fill up my tank with precious gasoline (for the economy!) and drive 3 hours (for the environment!) and stay in LV for 4 days without losing my temper (for the family!). I already have an orthodontic appointment, hair appointment, and some other crap I should do. I’m 90% sure my father will go on his whole “let’s wax your car Steve” thing for the bajillionth time, which he always plans for the exact time on Sunday afternoon when I could be doing six better things. I don’t even think cars need wax. Certainly not for nourishment.

During that span, Alan is driving down from Lincoln to play in a Magic the Gathering tournament in Overland Park, and I’m probably going to join him. This tournament is the qualifier for the pro tour tournament or something like that, which is in Kyoto, Japan in February. This event is a Shards of Alara sealed deck tournament, which I will likely suck at just as in the prerelease event. The problem is the new “mythic rares,” which often make decks much better. Needless to say, at the prerelease, I didn’t get any mythic rares in 2 tournament boxes and 6 booster packs, and I lost as many as 3 games due to 3 different mythic rare cards. Fucking trading card games.

After fall break I will have to scramble to grade next week’s Matrix Theory quiz before Thursday. Shortly thereafter, there shall be Gamercon. I have mixed feelings about it. I’m only going to play in one campaign, but I’m also running one. I’m not sure who is going to end up playing in mine, but I’m going to have to make the encounters fairly carefully, to balance between powergaming and noobishness. I think I can make it fun though. I must succeed!

Then, the most exciting event of all: I get 1 day off of work, then I’m going to Omaha with Mark and Rachel and maybe who knows how many others. Together we shall find stuff to do and then in the evening, we shall watch Don Hertzfeldt’s newest film, the sequel to “everything will be ok,” “i am so proud of you.” I couldn’t be more excited if I pissed my pants.

Yesterday, I shaved. Today, I bought a video game. Tomorrow, who knows.

September So Far

Outside, it smells like a sewer. The constant misting rain is like living inside of a sweaty man’s jock strap. Tomorrow I would like to go shopping, but I fear the football crowd will make that difficult. Hopefully the crowds won’t be too bad before the game, which the Internet tells me starts at 6.

I know everyone wants to know just what it is I intend to buy, so I will elucidate. I need dry-erase markers because someone took the hideous red one from my door. I will likely buy two sets of the red, green, black, and blue variety. Then I shall draw a giant dong on my door to show that it is off limits. I also need aloe vera gel, shampoo and vitamins.

I have lined up a craft project: making a T-shirt based on a Sealab 2021 episode. I need to procure navy blue fabric paint for this, which I shall seek out at Wal-mart. When I finish, I will wear it. Usually I’d take a picture and share it on here, but I probably wouldn’t actually do that. Also, I have no camera.

Anyway, let’s talk about me. I have 4 classes this semester: Japanese, Math, Computer Science, and Philosophy. I realized I hate all of them 2 weeks ago. I’m thrilled.

Japanese is exactly like the last two semesters, which also annoyed me. Somehow it didn’t register in my mind until this fall that 6 hours of class is actually more than 5. So now I have invested even more time in that subject, which I’ve finally realized is just too time-consuming. My lazy ass will probably stick to 12 hours for each of the next 3 semesters. The moral is, I’m done with Japanese after this semester. The Internet tells me that is acceptable for the ASC foreign language requirement.

Math is actually not too horrible, except it’s proof-based and I hate mathematics. Somehow I will have to goad myself into taking 3 more classes in the subject before I move on. I don’t think I’ll add the CS major, although I will still pursue it. I’m thinking about doing CS research next summer. I need to look into that before it happens. If I do, I would likely move into an apartment here in Lincoln, which I think would be a nice change from the twin hellholes I’ve inhabited the past two years.

CS is crap. I cannot believe that CS 310 is even considered a junior-level class. I have never wasted more time in a prerequisite. It is literally required for every 400-level class, and there is no reason that anyone needs it. CS 156 covers the vast majority of the material, and the instructor makes me yearn for the monotone voice of Reichenbach. Instead, I have a high falsetto voice. The subject matter is basically the heart of computer science: algorithm design. The problem is that I’ve already taken like 15 hours of CS here. If I hadn’t picked most of this up by now, I probably don’t deserve the programming skills the good lord bestowed on me.

Philosophy is a special kind of Hell. Here is the general pattern for the class: 1. read material for class, 2. show up for class, 3. have shitty group discussion, 4. do weekly shitty assignment. Huzzah. Basically, we talk about fairly simple philosophical issues which most people overcomplicate in the group discussions. They never address the heart of the issue, instead talking about some random irrelevancy. I hate group work so much. Anyway, the weekly assignments are about Plato’s “Crito,” which I hated the first time. Subsequent readings and 3 tiresome assignments haven’t changed that. I have 5 more of these assignments to do. So far they have been outline-type things, which I can never do correctly. I don’t think in outlines. Fuck you, establishment.

My career is skyrocketing. First, I’m working 2 jobs at the Daily Nebraskan. Second, I’m grading for Math 314: Matrix Theory. The DN seems decent so far. I write one column a week and no one reads it. It’s sort of like writing graffiti on the bathroom walls at home: no matter how eloquent you are, only your mom is going to see it.

As for the copy editing, I have mixed feelings. While I don’t mind the work (I love the sensation of smug superiority), I really don’t like the hours. Basically a night at the copy desk wipes out my entire evening. I work from 6-11 (at least. ugh.), which means I have to do homework there. Furthermore, on the off chance that something cool happens (highly hypothetical here), I can’t go. On the other hand, I can do reading there, which is nice. Also, copy editors write headlines. Never criticize writers for heads because they don’t write them. Please remember that for the future. Basically, I have to find 5 creative words to describe a huge, pointless article. It’s often hard to find a decent verb for the headline because nothing happens in the story. This is insider information I’m sharing with you.

My third job is for the math department here. I grade the weekly quizzes for two sections of Linear Algebra. It’s just like grading anything else, except it pays annoyingly little. I earned $8.50 hourly all last year, and now I just get $6. Plus I only work 4 hours a week at this job, which I think means I get less than one night’s pay at the copy desk for grading. I guess it takes less time, though.

Then again, I haven’t been paid jack shit from any of my various part-time jobs. Thanks, payroll departments throughout campus. Hopefully I’ll get a check before the end of September for the DN (they owe me a bit for August), because I have been buying stuff online. I really have more money than I think, but no one is giving it to me. What if the DN goes bankrupt? I’ll have nothing but the huge tub of Warheads candy I bought for 13 dollars. God help me.

Over the weekend, I have to write a third column, do homework for Math, possibly some Japanese, a ton of which is due Thursday (dammit), and go shopping for aloe. I also would like to see 2 movies: Burn After Reading and Righteous Kill. Whether or not I will have time remains to be seen. Plus I have the opinion section budget Sunday. I probably shouldn’t criticize that here.

I finally got around to reading some Batman graphic novels. The two based on Arkham Asylum (A Serious House on Serious Earth and Living Hell) are excellent. The former is well-drawn but weird as hell, while the latter is more typically drawn and plotted out. It still has a good story with interesting characters. I read the Killing Joke, which didn’t impress me at all. It might have been a big deal back in the day, but doesn’t strike a chord with my jaded brain.

I also read Flight 5, Daisy Kutter: the Last Train, and Nightmares & Fairytales 4. Flight 5 proves that comic artists can’t write anything worth reading. Basically each plot is just a “cool” image (either a literal image or just a “neat” plot idea) that doesn’t go anywhere. I have rarely seen more pictures saying less than in Flight 5. Nightmares & Fairytales has sucked since the third collection, when the author stopped doing good stories. I have to give Serena Valentino credit for starting a terrific series. I must also credit her with shitting all over it. Diarrhea.

Back to Flight 5, though. I think only 2 or so stories had real ideas in them. Argh. They were so well drawn, but ultimately proved to just waste time.

Back to Batman now. There was a rather heated debate at the lunch table about what the third movie might look like. I didn’t rage at the time, but I will now. They will not bring back Two-Face. They will not bring back Rachel Dawes. If comics ever want to be taken seriously, they need to drop the revolving door to the great beyond. I trust that Nolan will not stoop to faux resurrections until the fifth movie at least.

They will not replace the Joker. They will not use Catwoman unless they change it like mad. I predict they will either use the Riddler (but maybe not because the Joker’s plot was already so twisty and complex), the Penguin, or a decent Poison Ivy. Because she deserves it. Then again, I can’t write like Nolan or his brother, so I’ll leave it to the experts. (Go with the Riddler, boys. You know he’s awesome.)

I intend to go to the Magic: the Gathering prerelease events this month. It’s supposed to be a fun sealed-deck tournament. If I get decent cards, it’s possible I won’t get ass-raped. On the other hand, I know very little about building decent decks. So the rape is inevitable. At least it’s a new opportunity to meet more of my favorite kind of people: shrill nerds. God, I love their acne.

Last but not least, I have a D&D campaign planned for Gamercon III. It will be fun. I need to plot it out a bit more, but I think it could work well. I will incorporate scrapped ideas from my last campaign to make it more fun. I doubt people will play it, but at least I will have it written. Maybe I can sell it to homeless fantasy fans. Everyone deserves a break sometimes. But they have to pay.

I am on the cusp of a real dilemma. Even though I know how it all ends, I keep idly waiting for something good to happen. I can’t wait to gush regret. It could start any day now. You’ll see the results as I hemorrhage more trite paragraphs in the future. Except I probably won’t write about it.

D&D

As nerdy as it may be to talk about D&D this seriously, I am about to anyway. My Friday night campaign reminds me about everything I hate about humanity, and every week I go it gets more depressing. This was the third week I went, if that says anything about how quickly it got horrible.

Basically, there are now 6 people in the campaign: the DM’s girlfriend and her weirdly close friend, a guy who’s never played D&D before this campaign, an experienced powergamer who just started in our campaign this week, an out-of-practice rules lawyer, and me, an impatient cynic who’s in it for the math and hates roleplaying. The DM is a hardass who designs encounters to be difficult, drawn out, unbalanced, and uninteresting. Let’s look at this one person at a time.

First, the DM’s girlfriend. She always has her laptop open, ostensibly to look at her character sheet, but she pays next to no attention to the game. Often she will begin her turn out of her initiative order before being corrected by her boyfriend, likely due to his aforementioned drawn out combat. As the DM’s girlfriend, she often feels the need to make the rest of us uncomfortable, and kicks ass at it. She rarely abuses her control over him but doesn’t really need to because he helped her create a fairly unbalanced character in the first place. Her actions are as follows: look up from laptop, verify (often incorrectly) that it is her turn, take her turn in the initiative order, deal significant damage, and return to the laptop. On the rare chance that it is not combat, the attack will be replaced by an overly emotional remark or action in the situation, often appealing to morality despite the fact that her character is not good-aligned.

Next is her friend, who has died twice in the campaign so far (3 weeks, remember). She often rushes into combat only to be completely overwhelmed and killed, showing that she is completely useless. Her class is something of a moot point, because she has never fulfilled that role in the party, much to our chagrin. Of course, I can’t blame her much because she’s often dead due to the DM’s campaign design. More on that later. She is oddly close to the DM’s girlfriend, refusing to sit anywhere except directly next to her, despite the fact that they hardly interact at all in the course of a session.

Beside her is the powergamer, who began just last night. Also a very powerful character, he has proven capable of being an asset in combat at least, although he doesn’t roleplay very well (read: he’s annoying). His conscription into our adventuring party was one of the worst ‘hey here’s a new PC’ entrances I’ve seen, although admittedly I’m still fairly novice. He at least doesn’t make the campaign worse, so that’s a plus on his record.

Next to him is the new guy, who started D&D those 3 short weeks ago. He is mostly a combat character, fulfilling that role decently due to his high AC. I can’t complain much about him either because he’s new and generally helps and doesn’t hinder. I do wish he’d be a little less inept but he’s new, so what can I say.

Besides him is the rules lawyer who hasn’t played D&D in a couple of years (until last month). That is so much worse than it sounds. He often tries to cite rules that aren’t real or just cites real ones incorrectly, and needs to verify everything, more often even than the new guy. His character is somewhat complex, so he often needs to re-add everything multiple times, remembering new bonuses each time. He is the kind of rules lawyer who argues not about the rules of the game, but about everything else. Generally these arguments take place with the DM and involve weaponry of some kind. On occasion he will get aggravated, although he is the most involved character, so there are not many complaints. Otherwise nothing would happen.

Then there’s me. I get really impatient with everyone, due in part to the fact that we congregate 4-5 hours before we can start, because several players can’t arrive until then. I always expect this time to be enjoyable, but it’s generally a huge annoyance. When we are all finally sitting around the table, no one starts doing anything for about half an hour, instead talking about god knows what. The DM has continually refused to take action in these periods, despite the fact that we are basically waiting on him. He seems to think that we’re doing something in this time, but really we just need some input. I’ll occasionally ask ‘what’s going on?’ but he’ll generally just tell us to figure it out. I want to say ‘just set the fucking scene or something, dammit!’ but I don’t.

Honestly a lot of my energy is spent trying not to get angry. I will readily admit that this is due to my impatience and mathiness. Roughly three-fourths of everyone else’s rolls cause them to spout out multiple numbers as they fail miserably to add up the bonuses. I think this annoys me because of my fervent desire for universal math literacy, but something about waiting on the two girls to add 9 and 13 just pisses me off more. I guess I feel like we never stop wasting time, and it’s hard not to feel that way when I have to waste time in all the parts of my life. Plus, their rolls are much better than mine, so that doesn’t help.

Anyway, my character generally fills a lot of needs weakly. I feel like my character has been unduly weakened by the DM in his quest for game balance, although his own girlfriend is way more powerful (grumble). I am weak in combat, my spells are weak, and my other class features are made useless by his DM style. In short, I am rarely useful in combat, but sometimes I can have a stroke of success. I roll like shit, so I’m useless on that front as well.

Now, the DM. He plans encounters that he would probably call “challenging,” but by his own admission is a huge dick. Basically he’ll throw something at us that our party (several divine casters and archers) can’t handle, like something that is only vulnerable to bludgeoning weapons and non-elemental magic. Last week we were facing undead with one bludgeoning weapon among the 5 of us and a cleric with no charisma. Anyway, these battles tend to drag on due to his design and the players’ style. Effectively, we spend the whole combat failing miserably to score hits, cause damage, cast, or defend. As players, we argue, roll poorly, and make futile attempts to add small numbers. Plus, he crits on every 3rd roll, so we generally lose a ton of health and get angry.

Basically the campaign is an inept party facing poorly fit encounters that each take 3 hours. It’s a nightmare. It has cause me to realize that D&D is just like communism, in that it seems like a good idea but gets fucked up in practice. Rules lawyers are my least favorite thing in all of gaming. I think that it shits on everyone else’s fun in seconds flat. If you have two at once, just give up. I’m so tired of it I want to scream. I’ve decided next semester I’ll have to DM something and try to make the campaign fit the characters. And I refuse to waste time, or I’ll get pissed off really fast.

The social problem I’ve faced because of this is the realization that I don’t like two of the players. I really want to like both of them, but they constantly show themselves to be flighty, shallow, and giggly despite the fact that they are not funny in the slightest. I am almost constantly uncomfortable in this group, due to the DM and these two players. What’s more, because the campaign is so bad, I’m miserable because of that too. If I at least got along with everyone, I could deal with the shitty campaign, but I have to settle for opening my own laptop when it gets to be too much. At least I get some homework done.

Embracing Obstreperousness

Looking over this, it is not only extremely long and very inane, it also rambles at the end. I was just writing what was in my head, seeing if anything interesting came out. It didn’t. I’m going to bed.

Also, this is 1324 words. I wish I could write that much about something interesting

I need a place where I can talk about all the things I can’t talk about. This is not that place. However, I still feel like cracking out a few hundred words only seven people will read, so here I go.

My classes are going well so far. I’m getting the hang of the MIPS assembly language, so that will make CS fairly straightforward. Japanese is the same old busywork. English is going to be English. I wish I didn’t have to read a textbook, but I think the papers will at least be fun. I would love to take an English class that wasn’t the same as all the ones I’ve taken before. Math is easy, even though it’s really abstract (it’s abstract algebra, and the title is actually quite apt) and not practical at all. That basically means that everyone in the class is a math major. Fortunately, I’m definitely at the top of the class, which is nice.

I need to contract 6 honors hours by the end of the semester or lose my books scholarship for next year. My plan is to contract CS and Math, the two subjects I should be able to annihilate. Both instructors seem perfectly fine with my doing that, so I just need to figure out what extra work I will do. I’m also applying for upperclass scholarships, although I’m not all that sure I’ll get one (there aren’t a whole lot of scholarships for the UNL Math Dept.)

On the employment front, I still have an extremely small chance of grading for the CS department (highly unlikely, Riedesel implied it’s only going to happen if one of the grad students doesn’t want the job), and I applied to be an RA next year. The interview is in mid February, and I think I’m a solid candidate, so I should get an offer (knock on wood), but I don’t know if it will be someplace nice or not. If it’s not a good place, I will probably just try and get a TA position in the math department again. Except I’d want one with “responsibility” or I’ll be bored out of my gourd. Maybe I’m too picky. Hm.

I’ve been exceptionally bipolar lately. It’s odd for me, because I’m in a good position with respect to classes, but I still have the same stuff that always bothers me. So I get in a good mood over school stuff, only to have my mood crushed by everything else. That’s the opposite of how it normally works. I’m also finding my usual solaces are crumbling, and that doesn’t help anything.

The big thing occupying my last few days is applying to do math research somewhere this summer. I’ve applied to 6 schools (UNL, Central Michigan, Univ. of MN-Duluth, Hope College, NC State, and Rutgers) to do 8 weeks of work through June and July. It would be nice to get out of the house for a break, and the stipend is around $3000 for most of them (sometimes less). Thank you National Science Foundation for including math in your funding umbrella. My advisor said I am a good candidate, although I’m not sure my personal statements were helpful. It’s hard for me to write what I want to do with math because I have so little experience. I’m not a bad writer, I just can’t talk about math that way. It’s unfortunate, because there’s a good chance I’ll have to write about it in later life.

All of my technology is breaking. Apple is in the process of replacing my out-of-warranty iPod because the effective battery life is around 1-2 hours. My laptop’s battery light is blinking a lovely orange-orange-orange-orang

e-green pattern at me constantly, although Dell’s advice was basically crap (Try another battery. ‘I don’t have another battery.’ Too bad.).

I’ll have to borrow Alan’s battery sometime, just to see if my battery is what’s causing it. If so, I’m screwed because the warranty on Dell batteries is 1 year (same as the iPod. I got both before I came to school and they’re already broken. I fucking hate technology. Built-in obsolescence is a horrible practice. Apple especially feels the need to employ it, and as someone pointed out, their motto is “don’t make it cheaper, upgrade it and keep the price the same. You don’t pay less, we give you more!” If you get that reference, you get an ‘A.’ Unless you’re Mark.). If it’s not the battery, I’m screwed because it’s the motherboard (there’s some battery-related component of the motherboard. Who cares, it’s all hardware. Software is where it’s at, bitches.). I might still have that under warranty, though it could only be the accidental damage one. This is pretty damned accidental, I guess (I sure as hell didn’t do it on purpose and it started at a random time).

I got a bunch of homework assigned today, and tomorrow I need to wash my T-shirts (haven’t done that since I left for home. That means nearly 6 weeks or 42 shirts. All stone sexy.), so I’ll have to do stuff in the afternoon. Tuesday is the best day of the week because I only have 1 hour of class and then 23 hours of free time. In a row. Although the last 9.5 hours of that is Wednesday. So I guess that Tuesday is, strictly speaking, the day where the majority of my largest span of free time within the working week occurs.

I reread my favorite book, House of Leaves, last week. It is an amazing book, and I recommend it to everyone. It is very complex and cool. I have a bunch of movies I want to watch, and I suspect I will persist in renting them weekly at least to burn through the list. There are a number of items on there that I’ll have to watch alone, because there’s no chance anyone I know would watch them with me (everyone hates on drama for some reason).

Speaking of drama, there is certainly a lot of it. Everything seems to upset someone lately. It makes my neutrality hard to maintain. I am a lot more listless about the things that are important to me, which should never happen. I can’t tell what’s happening around me (socially), but I can tell that it’s leaving me too productive. I don’t want to go down that path; it’s not pleasant.

It’s going to be cold tomorrow. I’m upset with the weather right now. I wish not having a heart gave me superpowers, like the fish guy from those pirate movies. I want to write something people will read. I haven’t properly cooked since I was in high school. The closest thing was last year, when I made cookies. Cookies are my favorite food. I also like mozzarella sticks and a properly cooked steak. I’d like to have all three, but I can’t.

I want to donate blood now that my heartbeat is acceptable. It’s not fair that I’m on a ridiculously strict diet and what is essentially heart medication at age 18. I love vegetables. I’m always tired but it takes me 45 minutes to fall asleep.

Human beings are immensely complex. You will never understand yourself, not even physiologically. But more importantly, you won’t even understand your own emotions and motivations. Sometimes, they just are. I have realized that this complexity makes it almost entirely impossible for someone to understand anyone else. There is just too much to understand about yourself; it’s impossibly hard to even try to figure someone else out. No wonder selfishness is so fundamental. I can’t remember what having a heart was like.

I hope the sun is out tomorrow.