The Ideal (Manly) Mix Tape

Love is a many-splendored thing. It is also a many-gendered thing. As there are TWO major genders, and few other significant genders worth mentioning, I feel that I should address the inevitable question: how would a woman get into a man’s pants? Men are known for being extremely reluctant to enter the bedroom and remove said pants.

BUT! BUT! BUT! There is always the greatest of standby resources, the mix tape! Are men exempt from the otherworldly charms of a mix tape? NO! The answer is NO! And by that I mean YES! Any gentleman will gladly unbutton his trousers to unleash his lanky privates after being given and/or listening to the following list of musical tracks, in order. As for a long-term relationship, anything is possible after these songs and sex. Anything.

1. The Green Acres Theme Song
In terms of gender, this song is flawless. Female subservience is heavily implied by the fact that “you are my wife” is enough of a reason to convince the woman to move to Green Acres. Not only that, but farming is all about animal sex, and when you have to convince a man to fuck, animal sex is always a good option. No, I have never watched this TV series.

2. The Star Wars Theme Song
The double theme song start has already been proven by my other mix tape, but just for the record, it is perfect. Two theme songs in a row is like two orgasms in a row, only better. In this case, the man’s geekiness is being caressed by the music of John Williams. Even people who hate Star Wars (read: non-geeks [read: jocks]) love the theme song because it is iconic. As for the yellow, receding letters, you might think those would be a perfect cover for this tape, but you are WRONG, as always. No, the cover of this tape will be far better.

3. Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer
It’s highly important to get started on the physical references quickly, or the man will forget all about it. If he forgets about sex, good luck getting him to think about it again. Men just hate sex. I can’t stress that enough. Anyway, by telling him that his body is a wonderland, you remind him what it would be like to have John Mayer exploring his crevasses, and that is always an instant turn-on.

4. I’ll Make a Man Out of You – Mulan
No explanation needed.

5. Suddenly I See – KT Tunstall
This is how you touch his feminine side with your woman-probe, if you know what I mean.

6. Fat – Weird Al Yankovic
Men need constant reassurance that the size of their genitals is exceptional, or at the very least, adequate. While a song entitled “The Size of Your Genitals is Adequate” would be a loving, romantic gesture, that song has not been written yet. So what are we left with? Innuendo. So few songs seem to reference this key masculine attribute, especially in any direct fashion. Our only choice at this point is to insert a relatively clear reference to size in general, and hope that the man thinks of his penis. In this case, the obvious choice is Weird Al Yankovic, largely because “Fat” implies width, rather than length, which most women find is more important.

7. Now You’re a Man – DVDA
While there are numerous references to masculinity on this tape, this is the most important one. It says, “you are masculine enough for me,” even if this fellow really is not. It also suggests (merely suggests, mind you) that you’ve seen the movie Orgazmo, which will just fill him with glee.

8. The Power of Love – Huey Lewis and the News
Huey Lewis is alleged to have a huge johnson. As for the power of love, it’s not all that impressive. This song, however, was nominated for an Academy Award, so that furthers your alleged cinematic knowledge and taste.

9. Haven’t Met You Yet – Michael Buble
This is a classy song. Michael Buble has so much class his surname contains an accent. It’s also a cute song that I genuinely like (honesty here), so that means all men like it, of course.

10. Circles – Soul Coughing
No explanation needed.

11. Mixed Up S.O.B. – The Presidents of the United States of America
Love is confusing. Show this man that it is perfectly alright for him to be confused.

12. Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me – The Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a key part of any relationship, as all women know. This is also a subtle way of suggesting physical contact between the two of you. That way he knows it’s okay if he touches your breasticles while the two of you are holding hands or whatever. If it’s not, just buy one of those electric bras. Make sure it fits properly, though. 85% of women wear improperly-fitted bras.

13. Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy – Queen
Yeah, it’s kind of gay, but this song makes him feel like an old-fashioned queen. There’s nothing wrong with that in my book. Then again, that book is pretty messed up.

14. Clock Town, Third Day – The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
This song exudes liveliness and inevitable death. As such, it’s perfect for a mix tape. I only wish there were room for more video game music on this tape…

15. Double Team – Tenacious D
The all-important threesome possibility is always worth mentioning on a mix tape. Plus, men like other men, especially when there’s still at least one woman present. That way he’s still “mostly” straight Plus, you won’t have to keep that extra second dildo around. Again, thrift goes well with the possibility of a threesome. Of course, on the off chance that you only like sex with one man (ha), just chuckle about this and say you’ll never have a satisfactory threesome again after “that one time,” then just give him a lecherous look. He’ll give up mentioning it after that.

16. Monosyllabic Girl – NOFX
Women are often known to be too talkative. This is your way of saying that you are not. Perhaps you really are talkative, but at least you can point to this abbreviated song that suggests otherwise. He’ll never think twice.

17. The Technicolor Phase – Owl City
Masculinity is still key, and this tinkly song oozes with it. It’s got beeps and boops and all kinds of charisma. Plus, men can always use a bit of review on their colors. What color is the horizon again? Oh yeah, blue.

18. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
Although there aren’t really fifty ways to leave your lover mentioned in this song (not my fault), there are definitely some key tricks. Men are always looking to escape, so this is your way of encouraging that. Now he’s confused. Does he leave (apparently with your permission) or stay (because you’re cool enough to put this on here)? He just won’t know. That way you get to decide instead. I’d suggest leaving, because this guy sounds kind of dumb.

19. Hakuna Matata – The Lion King
It means no worries.

20. The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
A classic radio single also known as “the Mammal Song,” this cuts to the quick: sex. It not only heavily suggests fucking, but exactly how to do so. That is quite important for men, who are often confused about how to approach sex. Usually they figure out to go front-first, but that’s about it. You figure out the rest and explain, or just play this song in the background. Innuendo is like a second language to men. They just don’t know it very well sometimes.

21. Tea for the Tillerman – Cat Stevens
The secret track on this puppy is as important as any other track. That’s why you have to take it from Cat Stevens. Obscurity is almost the same as cleverness, but not quite. Plus, this song was featured in Extras, a very clever TV series.

Well, now you know how to attract men, ladies. It’s really an uphill battle, especially now that it’s so acceptable for them to be gay. If it doesn’t work the first time, just play the tape over and over again. It always works eventually. Oh, and about that cover? Robots. Any kind will do, men love them. Good luck.

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