This quiz is guaranteed to produce completely meaningless results based on completely unrelated choices. I have planned it very carefully, so take it seriously.

Choose a letter:
1. A
2. J
3. M

Choose a prime number:
1. 113
2. 19
3. 71

Choose a legendary bird Pokemon:
1. Moltres
2. Zapdos
3. Articuno

Choose a symbol:
1. #
2. &
3. %

Choose a Disney pseudoprincess:
1. Nala
2. Maid Marian
3. Tinkerbell

Choose a chess piece:
1. Bishop
2. Rook
3. King

Choose a fear:
1. Arachnophobia
2. Aquaphobia
3. Aerophobia

Choose an actress:
1. Elisabeth Shue
2. Eddie Murphy in drag
3. Minnie Driver

Choose an addictive substance:
1. Nicotine
2. Methamphetamine
3. Heroin

Choose a female body type:
1. Pear-shaped
2. Apple-shaped
3. Tangerine-shaped

Choose a secretion:
1. Sebum
2. Smegma
3. Earwax

Choose a saga:
1. Gosta Berlings
2. St. Olaf
3. Gutasaga

Choose a console:
1. Playstation 3
2. Xbox 360
3. Sega Dreamcast

Choose a surname:
1. Huxtable
2. Poseidon
3. Raper

Choose a question word:
1. How
2. Which
3. When

Choose a process:
1. Urination
2. Defecation
3. Vomiting

Choose a color:
1. White
2. Purple
3. Orange

Choose a disc format:
1. Blu-ray
2. DVD
3. Laserdisc

Choose an abbreviation:
1. TNT
2. TNA
3. TWA

Choose a candy bar:
1. Butterfinger
2. Caramello
3. Reese’s Cups

Now, add up the number of 1, 2, and 3 answers you had, and whichever is highest is you. If there’s a tie, just choose one. You don’t need my permission.

One (1)
Like most ones, you are sassy and sophisticated. You have a strange sexual perversion you constantly need to satisfy. If you are in a relationship, it won’t work out. Try something new tomorrow, in case you’re about to lose your job or flunk out. The word that best describes you is mustang.

Two (2)
Like most twos, you are organized and spontaneous. You have a drive to complete things, but usually fuck them up anyway. If you are in a relationship, it might work out. Try sneezing with your eyes open, because it’s probably impossible. The word that best describes you is mustache.

Three (3)
Like most threes, you are engaging and tiresome. Your chief hobby is a waste of time; you’d do best to start over with something else. If you are in a relationship, it will work out. Try watching a foreign movie with no subtitles, just to see if you can follow the plot. The word that best describes you is mustard.