Author Archives: Steven x Davis

The Ideal (Manly) Mix Tape

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Love is a many-splendored thing. It is also a many-gendered thing. As there are TWO major genders, and few other significant genders worth mentioning, I feel that I should address the inevitable question: how would a woman get into a man’s pants? Men are known for being extremely reluctant to enter the bedroom and remove said pants.

BUT! BUT! BUT! There is always the greatest of standby resources, the mix tape! Are men exempt from the otherworldly charms of a mix tape? NO! The answer is NO! And by that I mean YES! Any gentleman will gladly unbutton his trousers to unleash his lanky privates after being given and/or listening to the following list of musical tracks, in order. As for a long-term relationship, anything is possible after these songs and sex. Anything.

1. The Green Acres Theme Song
In terms of gender, this song is flawless. Female subservience is heavily implied by the fact that “you are my wife” is enough of a reason to convince the woman to move to Green Acres. Not only that, but farming is all about animal sex, and when you have to convince a man to fuck, animal sex is always a good option. No, I have never watched this TV series.

2. The Star Wars Theme Song
The double theme song start has already been proven by my other mix tape, but just for the record, it is perfect. Two theme songs in a row is like two orgasms in a row, only better. In this case, the man’s geekiness is being caressed by the music of John Williams. Even people who hate Star Wars (read: non-geeks [read: jocks]) love the theme song because it is iconic. As for the yellow, receding letters, you might think those would be a perfect cover for this tape, but you are WRONG, as always. No, the cover of this tape will be far better.

3. Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer
It’s highly important to get started on the physical references quickly, or the man will forget all about it. If he forgets about sex, good luck getting him to think about it again. Men just hate sex. I can’t stress that enough. Anyway, by telling him that his body is a wonderland, you remind him what it would be like to have John Mayer exploring his crevasses, and that is always an instant turn-on.

4. I’ll Make a Man Out of You – Mulan
No explanation needed.

5. Suddenly I See – KT Tunstall
This is how you touch his feminine side with your woman-probe, if you know what I mean.

6. Fat – Weird Al Yankovic
Men need constant reassurance that the size of their genitals is exceptional, or at the very least, adequate. While a song entitled “The Size of Your Genitals is Adequate” would be a loving, romantic gesture, that song has not been written yet. So what are we left with? Innuendo. So few songs seem to reference this key masculine attribute, especially in any direct fashion. Our only choice at this point is to insert a relatively clear reference to size in general, and hope that the man thinks of his penis. In this case, the obvious choice is Weird Al Yankovic, largely because “Fat” implies width, rather than length, which most women find is more important.

7. Now You’re a Man – DVDA
While there are numerous references to masculinity on this tape, this is the most important one. It says, “you are masculine enough for me,” even if this fellow really is not. It also suggests (merely suggests, mind you) that you’ve seen the movie Orgazmo, which will just fill him with glee.

8. The Power of Love – Huey Lewis and the News
Huey Lewis is alleged to have a huge johnson. As for the power of love, it’s not all that impressive. This song, however, was nominated for an Academy Award, so that furthers your alleged cinematic knowledge and taste.

9. Haven’t Met You Yet – Michael Buble
This is a classy song. Michael Buble has so much class his surname contains an accent. It’s also a cute song that I genuinely like (honesty here), so that means all men like it, of course.

10. Circles – Soul Coughing
No explanation needed.

11. Mixed Up S.O.B. – The Presidents of the United States of America
Love is confusing. Show this man that it is perfectly alright for him to be confused.

12. Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me – The Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a key part of any relationship, as all women know. This is also a subtle way of suggesting physical contact between the two of you. That way he knows it’s okay if he touches your breasticles while the two of you are holding hands or whatever. If it’s not, just buy one of those electric bras. Make sure it fits properly, though. 85% of women wear improperly-fitted bras.

13. Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy – Queen
Yeah, it’s kind of gay, but this song makes him feel like an old-fashioned queen. There’s nothing wrong with that in my book. Then again, that book is pretty messed up.

14. Clock Town, Third Day – The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
This song exudes liveliness and inevitable death. As such, it’s perfect for a mix tape. I only wish there were room for more video game music on this tape…

15. Double Team – Tenacious D
The all-important threesome possibility is always worth mentioning on a mix tape. Plus, men like other men, especially when there’s still at least one woman present. That way he’s still “mostly” straight Plus, you won’t have to keep that extra second dildo around. Again, thrift goes well with the possibility of a threesome. Of course, on the off chance that you only like sex with one man (ha), just chuckle about this and say you’ll never have a satisfactory threesome again after “that one time,” then just give him a lecherous look. He’ll give up mentioning it after that.

16. Monosyllabic Girl – NOFX
Women are often known to be too talkative. This is your way of saying that you are not. Perhaps you really are talkative, but at least you can point to this abbreviated song that suggests otherwise. He’ll never think twice.

17. The Technicolor Phase – Owl City
Masculinity is still key, and this tinkly song oozes with it. It’s got beeps and boops and all kinds of charisma. Plus, men can always use a bit of review on their colors. What color is the horizon again? Oh yeah, blue.

18. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
Although there aren’t really fifty ways to leave your lover mentioned in this song (not my fault), there are definitely some key tricks. Men are always looking to escape, so this is your way of encouraging that. Now he’s confused. Does he leave (apparently with your permission) or stay (because you’re cool enough to put this on here)? He just won’t know. That way you get to decide instead. I’d suggest leaving, because this guy sounds kind of dumb.

19. Hakuna Matata – The Lion King
It means no worries.

20. The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
A classic radio single also known as “the Mammal Song,” this cuts to the quick: sex. It not only heavily suggests fucking, but exactly how to do so. That is quite important for men, who are often confused about how to approach sex. Usually they figure out to go front-first, but that’s about it. You figure out the rest and explain, or just play this song in the background. Innuendo is like a second language to men. They just don’t know it very well sometimes.

21. Tea for the Tillerman – Cat Stevens
The secret track on this puppy is as important as any other track. That’s why you have to take it from Cat Stevens. Obscurity is almost the same as cleverness, but not quite. Plus, this song was featured in Extras, a very clever TV series.

Well, now you know how to attract men, ladies. It’s really an uphill battle, especially now that it’s so acceptable for them to be gay. If it doesn’t work the first time, just play the tape over and over again. It always works eventually. Oh, and about that cover? Robots. Any kind will do, men love them. Good luck.

The Case for Cowardice

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As defined by dictionary.reference.com, cowardice is the “lack of courage to face danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.”

Self-protection is fundamental. There is absolutely nothing shameful about taking cover when someone is shooting at you. Cowardice is the point at which self-protection is placed before other concerns that are more important. It’s hard to find that point, and there’s a lot of gray area there.

I think I live in the gray area, in more ways than one. I am simply unwilling to take risks, which is well-balanced by the fact that none of my other concerns are much more important (to me) than self-protection. But I’m starting to question that policy.

As I’ve said before, I’ve fucked up impressively in the past. I can point to a number of times when I was simply too afraid to take risks, particularly social risks, and ended up crashing into the dust thereafter. Maybe I just choose the wrong dust to fall into.

Again, though, I’m defending cowardice. I’ll come right out now and say that this is all about romance and love and all the other bullshit therein. Let me briefly sum up the exact problem I have always faced in a bulleted list:
-I am male.
-I am a nerd/intellectual/elitist.
-I have avoidant personality disorder.
As impressive as those bulleted points may be, you are probably still wondering just how they come together. Well, get ready. Are you ready? GOOD.

As a male, I am expected to take the active role in pursuing a romantic relationship. Dudes, and by that I mean dudes, are supposed to be brave, courageous, cool, suave, and sexy when they talk to girls. I have a number of problems with that. Let me first say that I have a reasonable response to your objection here. As I am a nerd, I tend to be both around and interested in intelligent/elitist girls. Those also happen to be the very girls that (usually) assume a shy, inert role when it comes to love, at least at the start. They are all just sitting around, waiting for Mr. Darcy, like Geraldine(?) in that one book. They are also usually quite intimidating. Those women who fight the norm are often less interesting, or at least less appealing. Also, I do know that the character’s name is Elizabeth, just so that all you wonderful nerdy girls won’t lose any esteem you have for me for making a dumb joke. For the rest of the girls and all the men, I still haven’t read the book, because I am full of testosterone and other such hormones.

ANYHOW, I am not properly equipped for those girls. I am a wimpy, reclusive coward, and for good reason. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder, which has caused a number of problems with my social interactions. I have spent a long time believing that there is something horribly wrong with me. For a long time, I used the word “unlovable” in my own head, often like a mantra. Not only was I sure there was something wrong, I was so sure that I never tried to act otherwise. Occasionally I was able to avoid risks entirely, usually in the simplest of situations, and then I’d make an effort.

Even so, I hated big groups, and still do. I hate birthday parties, concerts, drunken get-togethers, and similar situations. I try to be there when people ask, but even so, I usually find myself in the corner of the room, staring at the floor, wishing I had brought a book. Naturally, I turn all of this into more self-disparaging rationalizations, so I can sink my self-esteem even lower. I usually feel like I can only ever see people in small groups or one-on-one (which is somewhat true), and that in some ways it’s just a huge burden for people to be friends with me. I’m not saying it’s true, but it is how I feel.

I think if anyone ever said “I love you,” my first response would be “why?”

Anyway, I’m not trying to make excuses, although I definitely did. I just want to say that I am trying. I want you all to know that, and I will keep trying my best with all of this. I think I just want people to understand why I fuck up so much and so well. Expect more of the same in the future. Maybe I’ll do something right one of these days.

The Ideal Mix Tape

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Gentlemen, this is the perfect mix tape for any (yes, ANY) woman. It is the perfect way of saying, “hey, I’m into you and also the following songs.” I know what you’re thinking, and it probably has to do with the word “tape.” In this case, I really mean a CD or some kind of fancy mp3 shopping list thing. I haven’t really given it that much thought. Tape is just an expression. Anyway, the following songs, in exactly this order, will successfully kick off any relationship. I have provided descriptions where necessary to justify the inclusion of some songs.

Ladies, if a man gives you this mix tape, it is the ultimate gesture of affection. Remember that as you listen.

1. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song
This is the perfect way of telling a woman “cowabunga.” She’ll know what you mean by that.

2. The Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song
After the perfect beginning, you have to keep the flow going. Another TV theme will do just that. Furthermore, Spongebob proves that you are young and hip.

3. Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-a-Lot
Now that you’ve played two repetitive songs, you have to change tactics. This song is both sexy and a reference to Avenue Q. It is also in no way repetitive.

4. Let’s Duet – The Walk Hard Soundtrack
No explanation needed.

5. Simultaneous – Chef (South Park)
You should never begin a relationship without leaving open the possibility for a threesome. If she’s not into it, just laugh and say you like South Park. Then get the hell out.

6. Sweet Transvestite – The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
This is the perfect way to develop or establish a common interest in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The only drawback here is that you don’t see Tim Curry in drag. The solution? Put a picture of Frank N. Furter on the cover of the CD. If you’re going the mp3 route, just email her a picture of him. No need to add a subject or body to the email. She’ll get it.

7. Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight – James Taylor
This song paired with a salacious wink is how you say “I’m interested in sex AND emotions.”

8. Naked Pictures (of Your Mother) – Electric Six
A good, fast-paced song. Also, made in America.

9. Gay Bar – Electric Six
This will tell her that you’re heteroflexible. Women love men who love men, but only sometimes, because the fairer sex is selfish in love. Again, if she doesn’t appreciate this, just laugh and leave. You don’t need her, you need a man who likes Electic Six.

10. My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne
Women just love this song. If she asks how you discovered it, say you read Avril Lavigne’s interview in Maxim and it brought you tears. Again, sensitivity paired with blatantly sexual images is the perfect turn-on. If she thinks you heard it on the radio, say “it was on the radio? I had no idea.” She’ll know that you are highly individual that way.

11. Stacy’s Mom – Fountains of Wayne
Of course you discovered this song on the radio, because otherwise she’d think you’re out of touch. Radio singles from 7+ years ago say that you’re in the now. If she wants to play a newer song, say you don’t think new music has the “same spark.” There are only two songs about moms on this tape because more would just be creepy.

12. Beer – Psychostick
Women love beer. They’d hate to date a guy who can’t hold his liquor. If you’re thinking “that song is abusive to the ears,” then you clearly don’t understand what women like.

13. Eat It – Weird Al Yankovic
This is your way of encouraging her to gain weight, or if weight’s her problem, bulimia. The best part is that it’s so subtle. Weird Al can sneak bulimia into just about any song without you even noticing it. If she needs more encouragement, ipecac is an option.

14. Jizz in My Pants – The Lonely Island
No explanation needed.

15. Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
A second rap song shows that you are wordly and “street savvy.” If she gets worried, it’s okay because it’s performed by a white guy. Just in case.

16. Everybody Wants to be a Cat – The Aristocats Soundtrack
Cats are the fastest way to a girl’s heart without breaking the skin. Not only that, this song is jazzy and classic, showing that you are aware of older stuff like traditionally animated Disney movies.

17. Yesterday – The Beatles
This song is present to reestablish repetition. No one wants to listen to a whole CD without a few repetitive songs.

18. (You Make Me Feel) Like a Natural Woman – Aretha Franklin
No explanation needed.

19. Foreplay/Long Time – Boston
A nice, long song, this shows that you have patience and enjoy foreplay. Both are good in a relationship with a woman.

20. Blue – Eiffel 65
Of course you want a strong finish, so you put Eiffel 65 here. Everyone loves the color blue, and again, repetition is key.

21. Run Rudolph Run – Hanson
All good tapes have a bonus track. In this case, the obvious choice is from Hanson’s Christmas album. It’s good and fast, and festive in the wintertime. What could be better?

Now that you’ve seen the perfect mix tape, no other mix tape will be as good. Go ahead and make a few copies for yourself and all of the women you know. If they already have a copy, it’s a good reason to mark them off of the “potential romance” list, because they must be hussies. I hope this note has helped you, because without a mix tape, romance would be nigh-impossible. Now, go and show the world that you know music and love like the back of your hand, and that way you can avoid using your hand. You’re welcome.

It’s Djibouti and I’ll Cry If I Want To

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Of all the time in my life, the most frustrating moments are spent in front of a blank computer screen. I sit, wishing I had something in my head worth transcribing as the background shoots white light into my eyeballs. Because I often use EditPad Lite, there aren’t even many fun icons to stare at above the text area. In other words, this program is compact and efficient. It’s clear that editing is my true strength because I can always start revising something that is (partially) complete, but once I get to the end, I can’t keep going into the blankness.

Enough about that, though. Today was my 21st birthday, so I had my first legal drink this afternoon. I had about a sip and a half of a whiskey sour, a girly drink recommended by Lindsay, before I decided that my dislike of the taste of alcohol was simply too great and let Mom have the rest.

Mark and Alan had come down (separately) from Lincoln for the weekend, and I think we all had a pretty good time. The true celebration was last night, when I invited Beth over and we all had dinner on the patio. Alan didn’t show up until 9 because he had a highly important Warmachine competition in which he had to compete. Unfortunately, he only won 1 of the 3 games yesterday, making him a FAILURE, by percentages at least. Mark had already come down on Friday, so we got games accomplished Friday night as well. Our favorite 4-player games are Spades and Hearts, and while Mark and I sucked miserably at the former, I managed to rock everyone’s world in Hearts.

After dinner on Saturday, Grandpa left after I opened all of the cards, and Beth lingered to play still more games. We ended up playing Spinner (a domino game), the Game of Things, and Pictionary. I won Spinner, lost badly at the Game of Things, and managed to drag Alan to the finish in Pictionary. We were highly reliant on my expert drawing skills, perhaps best demonstrated by my blobby Texas with pointy arrow for “Dallas Cowboys.” I still do not know where Dallas is located in that state, but Alan knew what he was doing.

The meal and DQ ice cream cake went well, so I went to bed satisfied. We also had two kinds of cookies, one of which was supplied by Beth and contained both fruit and vegetables. “What could those possibly be?” you ask. Well, I will tell you. They were oatmeal cookies with zucchini in the dough and also raisins. Furthermore, they had sugar in them, which I feel is a reasonable approach to making cookies.

Today we went to High Noon Saloon for the aforementioned drinks, and I also had a sandwich with onion rings. Everyone else (conformists!) had Chicken Fried Chicken. Finally, I demonstrated the proper way to kick ass at Super Mario Bros. 3 for Alan. I opened my gifts, all of which I had picked out, and Mark and Alan made their way back to Lincoln. It’s nice to choose what you want when it comes to technology and such. The list: I got Super Mario Galaxy 2, Picross 3D, a laptop “chill pad,” Little Billy’s Letters, the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook Collection, and a Sansa Clip mp3 player with accoutrements.

Now I’m watching the new stuff on the Food Network. Tomorrow I have class and an appointment at St. Mary’s, plus I need to clean my room and deposit some birthday money. I also need to get up early and I’ll have to figure out what I’m going to start reading next. Unfortunately, Little Billy’s Letters had half of a page missing (ripped out), so we had to return it to Amazon. I still have a ton of other books, but I have to make a choice.

I’m ready to do my next speech for Public Speaking, but in the meantime I need to pick a topic and write it. In terms of other things coming up, Top Chef D.C. starts this week and that’s exciting. I need to exercise more regularly this week. Starting next weekend we’re going to be moving Mark’s stuff back to the house and storage here in Leavenworth. I need to start a couple of new songs on the piano, I think. Practice, practice, practice.

We’ll see what happens from here, I suppose.

Jumping

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I know it’s hard to get it up every time I have a suicide crisis, but try to feign interest for my sake.

Yes, I was close to attempting again. No, I did not do so. I went to a hotel in Kansas City with the intent of jumping out of the 19th floor. I was not properly committed, so I did not properly commit. I came back home after having disappeared for something like 20 hours. My family and I decided this was probably a pretty serious matter, so after meeting with my therapist and psychiatrist, I returned to Research Psychiatric Center, a mental hospital in a Kansas City.

After a 10-day stay and 3 ECT treatments, I am feeling much better and have returned home. I’m not working at KCKCC for the rest of the spring semester, but I am going to try finishing my 3 classes this spring and take one more this summer (public speaking) to finish an AA degree. I may also work there this summer (full time, even), depending on what I can figure out in terms of having stuff to do at work.

The plan in terms of mental health is somewhat more complex. I have to find a new therapist, because Dr. G doesn’t feel comfortable working with me right now (for some reason). I need to make a med change, which I haven’t done yet, under Dr. Owens’s direction. I think I’m going to switch from Pristiq to Cymbalta, keeping everything else the same. I will also be looking into maintenance ECT treatments, which means I will have to keep going back to Research every couple of months (6 weeks, I think).

I have no idea where to go from here. I’m hoping my AA will help me with shit and shit, but I don’t have any direction. My dream would be to write an animated TV series that I have sort of planned out, but I have no idea how to get started. I’m also enjoying the piano, which I’m playing a lot more lately as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to report in and let everyone know that I’m doing okay. Further news as events warrant.

Prepare for Excitement

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I have a bunch of books I should start reading. I also have many movies in a pile, but I’ve seen most of them, so I am not as eager to work through that stack.

I finally finished the Keys to the Kingdom, a book series I started in high school at some point (junior or senior year, I believe). It had a pretty solid ending, and I’m glad I read it. Reading kids’ fantasy made me want to go through Harry Potter again to relieve memories from a simpler time, so that’s on the list. I also have some mainstream novels, some esoteric stuff, a few graphic novels, and some essays and stuff.

I’m still doing the online classes, and they still suck. Nothing makes me question the education system more than attending a community college (and working there as well. Yeah, I got a job as a student helper, so I do pretty much whatever no one else wants to do and read the rest of the time. 15 hours a week at relatively little pay. While I’m mentioning work, I’m also tutoring math (elementary algebra) for two students. I hate it. Never be a tutor.).

With online classes, the bar is extremely low and people still fail to meet those meager expectations. It amazes me. In my general biology class online, people are supposed to make a (weekly!) original post about the current topic that only has to be 5 sentences. I’m no expert, but I think that’s probably between 50 and 100 words a WEEK. Yet people still don’t write that much. They post 1-sentence responses to other people’s posts that contain amazing typos (I didn’t know there were that many ways of trying to spell some of those words.). I can’t believe this counts as a college-level class.

I’ve managed to go to the gym 3 times a week so far this year, which is pretty good. I’m noticing a bit of progress, but it’s still a huge pain in the ass as far as I’m concerned.

I’m doing paperwork and shit for all of my various pursuits. I had to fill out more forms to be a merit badge counselor, and I had to accept a scholarship for Park University (75%, a pretty impressive bargain. I’ll only be taking like 24 hours next year for a math B.A. Then, who knows.).

I finally found a piano teacher and I’ve taken 3 lessons. I have mixed feelings about it. I like playing the piano, but I hate all of the nitpicky shit she wants me to work on. I hate using the pedal and I don’t pay much attention to dynamics until long after I can play the song.

I hope to visit Lincoln over spring break, and I should work on a campaign for D&D Day. I still don’t have anything in mind for that.

I was going to write a note about cowardice, but I couldn’t get it to work right (maybe I wasn’t courageous enough). Basically the punchline is that I don’t like to take risks and that’s not likely to change. The world is just too dangerous. Better to just relax.

Suck My Pie

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This is the first week of online classes at KCKCC. I’m taking 3 classes: General Biology, the Psychology of Personal Adjustment, and Social Psychology. The two psychology classes have been fairly rudimentary so far, mostly just introductions and syllabus quizzes, etc. I have started work in the biology text, reading a basic introduction about life and science. I got through it without much trouble. I don’t know yet what to expect from any of these classes, but I still expect that will be fairly simple, particularly because none of them involve any long-term projects, just tests and weekly homework.

I’m down to 2 choices for piano teacher, because the first teacher I tried to contact is far too busy for me, apparently. My choices are down to the Carnegie Art Center and a private tutor. I’m eager to get to a point where I can just kick ass on the piano. Practice, practice, practice.

I sent in my application to the Boy Scout council to be a merit badge counselor. I may have said this before, but I’m hoping to teach 4 merit badges: Computers, Journalism, Reading, and Scholarship. I think it would be an interesting experience. There is an upcoming merit badge conference on Ft. Leavenworth that I’d like to participate in, but I guess we’ll see. I have a lot of ideas for the Computers merit badge, but not so many for Journalism. It’s kind of hard to make newspapers and radio interesting.

Tonight I cooked a peanut butter pie, based on a recipe from Good Eats on the Food Network. It was highly complicated, and I learned two things: Oreo crusts are not worth making on your own (just buy them), and do all the work at once, from making the peanut butter to putting the pie together. Transferring peanut butter from food processor to jar back to food processor is a pain. So yeah. I have yet to taste it, but it’s in the fridge cooling off.

That’s about it, really. Things are kind of uneventful right now. I mean, really, really, uneventful. Let’s hope exciting things happen soon.

Discussing Oneself

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Today was my second day in group therapy at Research Psychiatric Center. Compared to many other patients, my problems are far less pressing or serious. Most of the time I talk about what’s going on in my life, I feel like I am wasting everyone’s time. I also talk about how I feel like I’m not getting anything accomplished when I’m at home, largely because I just surf the net and watch television. However, I have been going to the gym three times a week, as planned, and I also meet with a trainer to keep my fat ass accountable.

Anyway, I’m hoping to get around to taking care of stuff soon, and I am actively making plans to get back to being active. You heard me. I’m hoping to return to playing the piano, and I want to find a place in town to take lessons. I’m looking at a couple of places, and I’m planning on taking it more seriously than when I did as kid.

In terms of other desires, I have decided I want to pursue psychology, at least for now. I don’t know what I will think about it, having taken only general psych, but I’m taking a couple more classes online from KCKCC this spring, so hopefully that will give me a good experience. I’m still looking at finishing my math degree at Park University next school year, and I recently applied for financial aid for transfer students. Because my cumulative GPA is above 3.9, I have a pretty good chance of getting a full ride, at least for one year.

My other random dream is to actually write something, like a complicated novel or really anything that another human being might actually read and enjoy. I’m not sure I have the talent at this point, but I’m going to start working on it if it kills me.

When I finally finish the partial hospitalization program, I will be able to return to reading, movies, and video games. I am still holding off on those activities until my memory seems to be mostly back to normal. I will also have more time to spend doing such things, as well as my fascinating (I hope) online courses. I’m sick of being in Kansas City after these two months of treatment, and I’d just like to be more active. Maybe soon.

Of course there’s other assorted shit going on, but none of it is really worth mentioning. I suppose the above doesn’t really qualify either. Sigh.

Practical Problems of Memory Loss

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As I mentioned in a previous note, I am undergoing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), which causes rather serious short-term memory loss. I have yet to find out if I will recover the memories I have lost as a part of the treatment, and I won’t know for sure until a few weeks after I finish my final treatment. Right now my psychiatrist has reduced me to one treatment a week (from three), and I will start seeing my regular psychiatrist again for medication management. I have noticed some improvement in my mood, and I hope to keep things stable with meds and psychotherapy after I finish ECT.

Plans for the future include taking more classes from KCKCC in the spring in order to finish an AS degree by next fall, then looking at transferring to another school (likely Park University) to finish a bachelor’s degree in mathematics and possibly one in psychology. It’s quite possible I could get a full ride provided I keep my GPA up, and that’s good news.

Anyway, due to my heightened sense of emotion, some of my regrets have been popping into my head frequently, and I will have to take some action eventually. I need to make contact with a few people about things I have done or said that should have gone differently. I’m trying hard to make notes on my computer so I won’t forget what I need to do in the future.

In less important news, I am growing a beard and joining the local gym. I need to be in better shape and I think the beard looks pretty badass.

Finally, as a result of the memory loss, I am playing games with myself. Although I have forgotten many significant and memorable things and I cannot be trusted to be left alone, I can still have fun. I plan on buying Christmas gifts for everyone in my immediate family, including myself, that I will not remember but can still take credit for. It’s the perfect plan. I only wish I had thought of it sooner. Then again, maybe I did…

Before I Forget

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As many of you probably know already, I was fairly close to attempting suicide again earlier this month, so I checked myself into the hospital in Lincoln. I had made an agreement with my parents that if anything like that happened, I would return to Leavenworth, so I did. I spent another couple of weeks in a psychiatric hospital in Kansas City, and during that stay I began electroconvulsive therapy. I am continuing ECT on an outpatient basis for the next couple of weeks, and I hope to see continued improvement.

ECT is one of the strangest experiences I have ever undergone. For those not in the know, ECT is when a psychiatrist shocks your brain with electricitity until you have a seizure (under anasthesia, of course). It seriously fucks with your memory and confuses the hell out of you. Most of the memory loss is of recent events, and it takes the form of delayed recall. Also, old memories pop back up in your head at random. This has no doubt made me a whole lot of fun to be around, giving my family the opportunity to answer some very strange questions like “what did I do all day yesterday?”

Anyway, it really does seem to have improved my mood, and I am trying to be more patient about achieving my goals. I think I’m going to go back to school in the spring semester, at the local community college. After that, I’m not sure where I want to go, but I’m thinking I’ll finish a degree in math and look at getting one in psychology, a subject that appealed to me long ago but for some reason I abandoned in high school. I need to stop sitting around doing nothing and start actually making an effort with life.

I have a lot more to say about recent events, but my addled brain can’t organize my thoughts properly, so I’ll wait and post again later.