The Ides of March

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Well, I’m halfway between Friday the 13th and the middle of March, both of which are bad luck. I’m just waiting for something horrible to happen.

There really isn’t much to say about my life in LV. I think the biggest thing of note is the new dog, which we’ve already picked out. I’m still taking name suggestions, although Jetta seems like a good name so far.

I don’t have phlebotomy classes this week, so I’ll probably be cleaning the house the whole time. I need to find a hobby to waste my time. I’ve been looking for jobs, and I’ve applied at a few places. I keep thinking the college time will look good, but it doesn’t seem to have helped. I’d rather just find a hobby for the next few weeks until I finish my phlebotomy class, then find a job doing that. Then I’d be making the big bucks.

Anyway, I just thought I’d post an update. Happy Spring Break, etc.

February 2009 or: How Not to Kill Yourself

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On February 1, I attempted suicide. I had purchased materials within the past month, and had everything I needed to produce hydrogen cyanide. When I finally began the process, I was unable to get the gas to condense correctly, so I turned off the burner and stoppered the apparatus. However, I had inhaled enough that my heart began to race and I passed out. Two hours later, I awoke because I had to pee.

My breath was coming in gasps because of the cyanide. It took about twenty minutes to even stand up. I stumbled across the room to unlock the door, and called the cops. As I was on the phone with the dispatcher, I got a call from Alan. I decided it would be bad form to switch over on an emergency call. Moments later the cops barged in. I stumbled out of my room to the stretcher, and they wheeled me out. On the way through the lobby, the evacuees from my floor looked scared for some reason.

The only thing I remember from the ambulance ride was saying “this oxygen tastes like shit,” which absolutely no one found funny. I had to answer questions about how I procured cyanide about fifteen times. Somehow it was hard for them to grasp that I bought the chemicals on eBay and Walmart. Once I got to the hospital, I was catheterized and given an antidote intravenously. It made my urine purple for a week.

Apparently my situation was quite serious, but no one told me. Thinking back, one of the nurses did say something like “you might not make it through the night,” but I thought she was just being nice.

In Lincoln, suicides are put in emergency protective custody in the Lancaster County Crisis Center. After a good visit on the 2nd from several friends (and Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Juan Franco), I was shipped there and put on Zoloft. I have yet to discern a change from the meds.

Anyway, after 24 days in the Crisis Center, during which I met several extremely interesting people who I will be able to tell stories about for years, I was released and returned to Leavenworth to live with my parents.

Having said all that, I have some remarks:

1. To all the people who visited me in the crisis center, thank you very much. Just having one visit made the days much more bearable. I only wish I could have reciprocated for all your generosity, but I suppose I still have time. I assure you I am very appreciative of everything you all did for me.

2. This is absolutely the last thing I want to talk about. Oh, if you’re curious about the mechanics of it, I can give you a play-by-play of cyanide poisoning, but the whole emotional part of it is just annoying.

3. Today I baked a delicious cake.

Suicide Note

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Anyone can tell you that in life, you have to do things you don’t want to do. What no one will tell you is that you also have to be things you don’t want to be. Life will toss you around, forcing you into roles you hate, until eventually you feel like your very self is beyond your control. It becomes too late to change, and you face a horrifying decision: to live as something you hate or to move on.

Hell isn’t where you are, it’s what you are. What I’m trying to say is no matter how much you love your life, you can’t live it if you hate yourself, because that’s the one thing you can’t escape from. So my advice is this: fight life. Never become something you hate. Cling to your principles, but don’t be afraid to change. If you become the person you want to be, you can live through anything. Otherwise, you’re lost.

A Modest Response to ‘Firefly’

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At long last, I finally watched Firefly. I asked for the DVD set for Christmas based on a bazillion recommendations, and it’s not bad. I also got the movie, Serenity, which I’m saving for tomorrow. Anyway, given the ridiculous amount of hype the show has gotten, I feel the need to rebut. Here I go.

I’m going to start with non-character stuff then move to the characters:

Chinese: At intervals, people in the Firefly ‘verse (hefty slang term there) use Chinese phrases to say socially unacceptable things. I cannot understand why this seemed like a good idea. Oh, I get that there are tons of Chinese people in the world who all speak Chinese and will make Chinese a key language of the FUTURE.

Here are the problems:
1. Americans can’t speak Chinese. Never could, never will. That leads to the second part.
2. Chinese is a difficult language. It’s constantly getting simpler, but eventually will be displaced with English (a difficult language, but still much easier). It won’t exist (recognizably) this far in the future.
3. It doesn’t flow. As much as the actors make an effort to seamlessly integrate the Chinese and English, the nature of the two languages alone makes the switch jarring.
4. It’s fucking Chinese. Nobody understands it; it’s all a huge inside joke with the creators, who probably don’t even speak Chinese themselves.

At best, the Chinese adds flavor, but mostly just distracts. Besides, most of the phrases are innocuous anyway. More slang would have been fine, like the swearing, which mostly worked.

Grammar: Honestly, this was just a dumb idea. Many of the crew speak with “poor grammar” that is pretty contrived. Ninety percent of it is subject/verb agreement; they say things like “cows is” and such. The problem is that Joss Almighty writes lines that are way too clever for people who don’t get verbs. I’ll let it slip with the engineer (too many offenses to count), but with other characters it just fails miserably.

Music: Damn good. The most clever idea was playing western-style background music in the space scenes. It conveys the mood of the show much more effectively than classical (damn you, 2001). I also thought the theme song was pretty awesome.

Reavers: Ugh. Spare me. Thank god they dropped this concept fairly fast, because it sucked majorly. In the pilot, any time reavers are mentioned, people practically shit their pants in fear, and the overbearing music stings don’t help anything. The idea is that this group represents people who strayed to the fringe of the galaxy and “went mad.” They eat people and also rape them. They look like the bad guys from “Ghosts of Mars.”

The problem here is that there is quite literally nothing to fear. People are scared by things that actually have some menace. For instance, the Borg threaten to destroy individuality. In theory, that’s kind of a scary idea. Nothing of the sort appears here, although the crew, who face much more threatening things throughout the show with stoicism and wisecracks, are paralyzed with fear. Please.

Mal: Easily the most funny, badass character on the show. Has several kickass moments of slaying throughout the series. Side note: the morality of the show (dictated by the Captain, mostly) was not too heavy-handed, which I appreciated.

Zoe: A character in need of a better actor. Not only does the first mate never do anything on the show (crowded out by Mal’s badassitude, I suppose), she never stops smiling. I kept waiting for her to start selling me something in several of her scenes, despite the fact that they were usually not too cheery. Her best (read: only good) moments are with other crew members, playing off of the captain or Wash.

Wash: A frustrating part of this show was its ability to feature all of the characters and still not underuse many of them. Wash falls into that category. Wash and Mal are the comic relief characters (Jayne only wishes he were), and the neglect of Wash often makes the show too dramatic. On the other hand, he deflates a couple of moments that should have stayed tense. Perhaps not underused but misused. Still funny, though.

Inara: Smoking hot and a good actress. I don’t have anything bad to say, except that perhaps her dealings with the Captain are a little repetitive. The only time that dynamic worked is in “Heart of Gold,” where another woman comes between them. But yeah, by far the most beautiful person on the ship. More on that in a second.

Jayne: Ugh. This character is overused and overdone. His few good moments do nothing to make him a good character. I had no use for him in the show, except action sequences. They should have just hidden him in the walls the rest of the time.

Kaylee: I’m frustrated by this character because she clearly has a role on the ship, but not on the show. Her saccharine optimism got on my nerves most of the time, and she goes nowhere as the doctor’s love interest. I can’t think of an episode where she does anything important except for fixing the ship. There are a few occasions where she gets mad at the doctor, but they don’t go anywhere. Sigh. The problem is that I really liked Jewel Staite in Wonderfalls, where she was a more venomous character. They should have given her more to work with, I think.

Simon: I found myself really liking the doctor for some reason. I think it’s because he’s just an earnest, well-meaning guy who dresses really well. His episode (“Ariel”) and the payoff in “Trash” (another good episode) are terrific. My only complaint is that he doesn’t do much to start off; the Captain keeps him around based on his potential when it’s not clear if it’s worth the risk, which didn’t make much sense.

River: I could have used more “useful River” and a lot less “autistic River.” She serves a purpose in a few episodes, but most of the time just aggravates everyone (including the viewer). There’s no reason for most of her behavior except to make the brother’s life suck that much more. Even “Objects in Space,” her episode, does little to help her because the whole episode is kind of a big Idiot Plot.

As a side note, nerdy fandom has suggested that Summer Glau is the most attractive thing since breasts. I strongly disagree. I admit I’m not into the whole “stringy hair” thing, but I just don’t see what the appeal is here. Maybe I was blinded by the sucky, aggravating character.

Book: I liked him. Sort of the “et cetera” character, he’s in a lot of scenes but doesn’t do much. I would have liked a Shepherd Book A-plot, but I guess brevity is kind of a flaw with Firefly in general (teehee). His part was best when he interacted with other characters, which didn’t happen nearly enough. He never annoyed me, which is saying something.

Anyway, I watched the series, so stop suggesting it now. In the interest of those like me who’ve had this recommended to them like 50 times (and probably didn’t read this anyway…), you don’t have to see the series. I know most people make it sound like the Third Coming of Christ, but in reality it’s a lot like Star Trek with more character development, and even that only works half of the time. If you can put up with slightly more morality (okay, a lot more), watch Trigun instead. All the badass with just 4 main characters, none of whom get too aggravating (as long as you get past the morality). Cowboy Bebop is another decent show that’s pretty similar, but even that’s a bit overhyped too.

Maybe one day I’ll understand why this show is so popular, but not today. Give me some time. Now please stop using the word “shiny.”

Brilliant Invention #1

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Double-sided playing cards. One side has a light-colored background and dark lettering, the other side has a dark background and light lettering, and get this: they represent different cards. It’s brilliant.

I know what you’re thinking: people will just memorize which dark cards correspond to which light cards and completely fix the game, but that could never happen. People are generally good at heart, and will always endeavor to do the right thing. It’s that spark of the divine in all of us. That’s why this invention is perfect: because human nature is perfect, too.

Thoughts

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In the future, fruit will be genetically bred with bar codes already on it.

I don’t go outside enough.

One should not take the McRib’s name in vain.

When Sonic Adventure 2 came out, McDonald’s had small Sonic video games. I lost mine.

Fiber supplements aren’t as helpful as they should be.

I own 3 black light flashlights.

Suspension bondage is probably good exercise.

October in the Chair

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I was told that my last note was “not funny enough” and that I should “eat a handful of sharp, painful tacks.” I shall try ever so much harder this time.

This week ushered in midterm season, a very special two-week season of midterms. This was the first week, obviously. I had 3 tests, and next week I have 1 more. After that, fall break, a magic the gathering tournament, gamercon, and “i am so proud of you.” I’m sort of excited about them in that order as well. Let’s learn together!

Fall break will probably suck. Now that I know my tolerance for LV is less than 3 weeks, I’m worried how much more it has shrunken in the meantime. It could be drastic. Anyway, I have to fill up my tank with precious gasoline (for the economy!) and drive 3 hours (for the environment!) and stay in LV for 4 days without losing my temper (for the family!). I already have an orthodontic appointment, hair appointment, and some other crap I should do. I’m 90% sure my father will go on his whole “let’s wax your car Steve” thing for the bajillionth time, which he always plans for the exact time on Sunday afternoon when I could be doing six better things. I don’t even think cars need wax. Certainly not for nourishment.

During that span, Alan is driving down from Lincoln to play in a Magic the Gathering tournament in Overland Park, and I’m probably going to join him. This tournament is the qualifier for the pro tour tournament or something like that, which is in Kyoto, Japan in February. This event is a Shards of Alara sealed deck tournament, which I will likely suck at just as in the prerelease event. The problem is the new “mythic rares,” which often make decks much better. Needless to say, at the prerelease, I didn’t get any mythic rares in 2 tournament boxes and 6 booster packs, and I lost as many as 3 games due to 3 different mythic rare cards. Fucking trading card games.

After fall break I will have to scramble to grade next week’s Matrix Theory quiz before Thursday. Shortly thereafter, there shall be Gamercon. I have mixed feelings about it. I’m only going to play in one campaign, but I’m also running one. I’m not sure who is going to end up playing in mine, but I’m going to have to make the encounters fairly carefully, to balance between powergaming and noobishness. I think I can make it fun though. I must succeed!

Then, the most exciting event of all: I get 1 day off of work, then I’m going to Omaha with Mark and Rachel and maybe who knows how many others. Together we shall find stuff to do and then in the evening, we shall watch Don Hertzfeldt’s newest film, the sequel to “everything will be ok,” “i am so proud of you.” I couldn’t be more excited if I pissed my pants.

Yesterday, I shaved. Today, I bought a video game. Tomorrow, who knows.

September So Far

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Outside, it smells like a sewer. The constant misting rain is like living inside of a sweaty man’s jock strap. Tomorrow I would like to go shopping, but I fear the football crowd will make that difficult. Hopefully the crowds won’t be too bad before the game, which the Internet tells me starts at 6.

I know everyone wants to know just what it is I intend to buy, so I will elucidate. I need dry-erase markers because someone took the hideous red one from my door. I will likely buy two sets of the red, green, black, and blue variety. Then I shall draw a giant dong on my door to show that it is off limits. I also need aloe vera gel, shampoo and vitamins.

I have lined up a craft project: making a T-shirt based on a Sealab 2021 episode. I need to procure navy blue fabric paint for this, which I shall seek out at Wal-mart. When I finish, I will wear it. Usually I’d take a picture and share it on here, but I probably wouldn’t actually do that. Also, I have no camera.

Anyway, let’s talk about me. I have 4 classes this semester: Japanese, Math, Computer Science, and Philosophy. I realized I hate all of them 2 weeks ago. I’m thrilled.

Japanese is exactly like the last two semesters, which also annoyed me. Somehow it didn’t register in my mind until this fall that 6 hours of class is actually more than 5. So now I have invested even more time in that subject, which I’ve finally realized is just too time-consuming. My lazy ass will probably stick to 12 hours for each of the next 3 semesters. The moral is, I’m done with Japanese after this semester. The Internet tells me that is acceptable for the ASC foreign language requirement.

Math is actually not too horrible, except it’s proof-based and I hate mathematics. Somehow I will have to goad myself into taking 3 more classes in the subject before I move on. I don’t think I’ll add the CS major, although I will still pursue it. I’m thinking about doing CS research next summer. I need to look into that before it happens. If I do, I would likely move into an apartment here in Lincoln, which I think would be a nice change from the twin hellholes I’ve inhabited the past two years.

CS is crap. I cannot believe that CS 310 is even considered a junior-level class. I have never wasted more time in a prerequisite. It is literally required for every 400-level class, and there is no reason that anyone needs it. CS 156 covers the vast majority of the material, and the instructor makes me yearn for the monotone voice of Reichenbach. Instead, I have a high falsetto voice. The subject matter is basically the heart of computer science: algorithm design. The problem is that I’ve already taken like 15 hours of CS here. If I hadn’t picked most of this up by now, I probably don’t deserve the programming skills the good lord bestowed on me.

Philosophy is a special kind of Hell. Here is the general pattern for the class: 1. read material for class, 2. show up for class, 3. have shitty group discussion, 4. do weekly shitty assignment. Huzzah. Basically, we talk about fairly simple philosophical issues which most people overcomplicate in the group discussions. They never address the heart of the issue, instead talking about some random irrelevancy. I hate group work so much. Anyway, the weekly assignments are about Plato’s “Crito,” which I hated the first time. Subsequent readings and 3 tiresome assignments haven’t changed that. I have 5 more of these assignments to do. So far they have been outline-type things, which I can never do correctly. I don’t think in outlines. Fuck you, establishment.

My career is skyrocketing. First, I’m working 2 jobs at the Daily Nebraskan. Second, I’m grading for Math 314: Matrix Theory. The DN seems decent so far. I write one column a week and no one reads it. It’s sort of like writing graffiti on the bathroom walls at home: no matter how eloquent you are, only your mom is going to see it.

As for the copy editing, I have mixed feelings. While I don’t mind the work (I love the sensation of smug superiority), I really don’t like the hours. Basically a night at the copy desk wipes out my entire evening. I work from 6-11 (at least. ugh.), which means I have to do homework there. Furthermore, on the off chance that something cool happens (highly hypothetical here), I can’t go. On the other hand, I can do reading there, which is nice. Also, copy editors write headlines. Never criticize writers for heads because they don’t write them. Please remember that for the future. Basically, I have to find 5 creative words to describe a huge, pointless article. It’s often hard to find a decent verb for the headline because nothing happens in the story. This is insider information I’m sharing with you.

My third job is for the math department here. I grade the weekly quizzes for two sections of Linear Algebra. It’s just like grading anything else, except it pays annoyingly little. I earned $8.50 hourly all last year, and now I just get $6. Plus I only work 4 hours a week at this job, which I think means I get less than one night’s pay at the copy desk for grading. I guess it takes less time, though.

Then again, I haven’t been paid jack shit from any of my various part-time jobs. Thanks, payroll departments throughout campus. Hopefully I’ll get a check before the end of September for the DN (they owe me a bit for August), because I have been buying stuff online. I really have more money than I think, but no one is giving it to me. What if the DN goes bankrupt? I’ll have nothing but the huge tub of Warheads candy I bought for 13 dollars. God help me.

Over the weekend, I have to write a third column, do homework for Math, possibly some Japanese, a ton of which is due Thursday (dammit), and go shopping for aloe. I also would like to see 2 movies: Burn After Reading and Righteous Kill. Whether or not I will have time remains to be seen. Plus I have the opinion section budget Sunday. I probably shouldn’t criticize that here.

I finally got around to reading some Batman graphic novels. The two based on Arkham Asylum (A Serious House on Serious Earth and Living Hell) are excellent. The former is well-drawn but weird as hell, while the latter is more typically drawn and plotted out. It still has a good story with interesting characters. I read the Killing Joke, which didn’t impress me at all. It might have been a big deal back in the day, but doesn’t strike a chord with my jaded brain.

I also read Flight 5, Daisy Kutter: the Last Train, and Nightmares & Fairytales 4. Flight 5 proves that comic artists can’t write anything worth reading. Basically each plot is just a “cool” image (either a literal image or just a “neat” plot idea) that doesn’t go anywhere. I have rarely seen more pictures saying less than in Flight 5. Nightmares & Fairytales has sucked since the third collection, when the author stopped doing good stories. I have to give Serena Valentino credit for starting a terrific series. I must also credit her with shitting all over it. Diarrhea.

Back to Flight 5, though. I think only 2 or so stories had real ideas in them. Argh. They were so well drawn, but ultimately proved to just waste time.

Back to Batman now. There was a rather heated debate at the lunch table about what the third movie might look like. I didn’t rage at the time, but I will now. They will not bring back Two-Face. They will not bring back Rachel Dawes. If comics ever want to be taken seriously, they need to drop the revolving door to the great beyond. I trust that Nolan will not stoop to faux resurrections until the fifth movie at least.

They will not replace the Joker. They will not use Catwoman unless they change it like mad. I predict they will either use the Riddler (but maybe not because the Joker’s plot was already so twisty and complex), the Penguin, or a decent Poison Ivy. Because she deserves it. Then again, I can’t write like Nolan or his brother, so I’ll leave it to the experts. (Go with the Riddler, boys. You know he’s awesome.)

I intend to go to the Magic: the Gathering prerelease events this month. It’s supposed to be a fun sealed-deck tournament. If I get decent cards, it’s possible I won’t get ass-raped. On the other hand, I know very little about building decent decks. So the rape is inevitable. At least it’s a new opportunity to meet more of my favorite kind of people: shrill nerds. God, I love their acne.

Last but not least, I have a D&D campaign planned for Gamercon III. It will be fun. I need to plot it out a bit more, but I think it could work well. I will incorporate scrapped ideas from my last campaign to make it more fun. I doubt people will play it, but at least I will have it written. Maybe I can sell it to homeless fantasy fans. Everyone deserves a break sometimes. But they have to pay.

I am on the cusp of a real dilemma. Even though I know how it all ends, I keep idly waiting for something good to happen. I can’t wait to gush regret. It could start any day now. You’ll see the results as I hemorrhage more trite paragraphs in the future. Except I probably won’t write about it.