Whys and Wherefores

Today was my first full day of work. Shortly after I arrived, someone pointed out that I did not look happy to be there. I mumbled something like “I just got here” and walked off.

Much later, a fellow employee came up and spoke with me.
“So, you just bring the carts in all day?”
“… that sucks.”
“Well, I also help people load stuff into their cars when they ask me.”
“That sucks too.”

Anyway, I did it. Tomorrow I work again for 5 hours, then the next day another 9-hour shift (from 7 to 4) replete with lunch break. After that, a weekend.

The facebook advertisements that target specific users are odd to me. I see math ads, fat ads, and sex ads. I need to know how they divined my interests so accurately.

I created a new word today: retroid. Sure it’s been used before, but fuck that, I created it. I did not create a meaning, however. I think it explains itself well enough.

I know lots of people really enjoy reading “why me?” bullshit, so here it goes. Those with hypoactive pity glands may avert their eyes.

I’ve long been past the point when people ask me why I’m depressed. I just recently got to a point where I can satisfactorily answer. The real reason is because shit happens to me. My life is in a constant, steady decline, and there is no way out. Every time I try something new, or really do anything at all, my efforts fail or backfire without exception.

I went to a research experience and sat around for months. I take classes at UNL that cover material from freshman year but somehow more slowly. I attempted suicide. I looked for jobs. I interviewed at a potentially interesting job, but totally fucked up and got ignored.

I have to conclude that I am asking for too much from life. I will never get a job where I use my skills, interact with people, or help people. I will not find a subject that interests me. I will not be okay.

Just like work, the only thing that can console me is the fact that everything ends eventually. No matter how often I check the clock, I can rest safely knowing it will always be further along. Eventually I will finish my shift, no matter what.

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