The Ideal Mix Tape

Gentlemen, this is the perfect mix tape for any (yes, ANY) woman. It is the perfect way of saying, “hey, I’m into you and also the following songs.” I know what you’re thinking, and it probably has to do with the word “tape.” In this case, I really mean a CD or some kind of fancy mp3 shopping list thing. I haven’t really given it that much thought. Tape is just an expression. Anyway, the following songs, in exactly this order, will successfully kick off any relationship. I have provided descriptions where necessary to justify the inclusion of some songs.

Ladies, if a man gives you this mix tape, it is the ultimate gesture of affection. Remember that as you listen.

1. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song
This is the perfect way of telling a woman “cowabunga.” She’ll know what you mean by that.

2. The Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song
After the perfect beginning, you have to keep the flow going. Another TV theme will do just that. Furthermore, Spongebob proves that you are young and hip.

3. Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-a-Lot
Now that you’ve played two repetitive songs, you have to change tactics. This song is both sexy and a reference to Avenue Q. It is also in no way repetitive.

4. Let’s Duet – The Walk Hard Soundtrack
No explanation needed.

5. Simultaneous – Chef (South Park)
You should never begin a relationship without leaving open the possibility for a threesome. If she’s not into it, just laugh and say you like South Park. Then get the hell out.

6. Sweet Transvestite – The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
This is the perfect way to develop or establish a common interest in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The only drawback here is that you don’t see Tim Curry in drag. The solution? Put a picture of Frank N. Furter on the cover of the CD. If you’re going the mp3 route, just email her a picture of him. No need to add a subject or body to the email. She’ll get it.

7. Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight – James Taylor
This song paired with a salacious wink is how you say “I’m interested in sex AND emotions.”

8. Naked Pictures (of Your Mother) – Electric Six
A good, fast-paced song. Also, made in America.

9. Gay Bar – Electric Six
This will tell her that you’re heteroflexible. Women love men who love men, but only sometimes, because the fairer sex is selfish in love. Again, if she doesn’t appreciate this, just laugh and leave. You don’t need her, you need a man who likes Electic Six.

10. My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne
Women just love this song. If she asks how you discovered it, say you read Avril Lavigne’s interview in Maxim and it brought you tears. Again, sensitivity paired with blatantly sexual images is the perfect turn-on. If she thinks you heard it on the radio, say “it was on the radio? I had no idea.” She’ll know that you are highly individual that way.

11. Stacy’s Mom – Fountains of Wayne
Of course you discovered this song on the radio, because otherwise she’d think you’re out of touch. Radio singles from 7+ years ago say that you’re in the now. If she wants to play a newer song, say you don’t think new music has the “same spark.” There are only two songs about moms on this tape because more would just be creepy.

12. Beer – Psychostick
Women love beer. They’d hate to date a guy who can’t hold his liquor. If you’re thinking “that song is abusive to the ears,” then you clearly don’t understand what women like.

13. Eat It – Weird Al Yankovic
This is your way of encouraging her to gain weight, or if weight’s her problem, bulimia. The best part is that it’s so subtle. Weird Al can sneak bulimia into just about any song without you even noticing it. If she needs more encouragement, ipecac is an option.

14. Jizz in My Pants – The Lonely Island
No explanation needed.

15. Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
A second rap song shows that you are wordly and “street savvy.” If she gets worried, it’s okay because it’s performed by a white guy. Just in case.

16. Everybody Wants to be a Cat – The Aristocats Soundtrack
Cats are the fastest way to a girl’s heart without breaking the skin. Not only that, this song is jazzy and classic, showing that you are aware of older stuff like traditionally animated Disney movies.

17. Yesterday – The Beatles
This song is present to reestablish repetition. No one wants to listen to a whole CD without a few repetitive songs.

18. (You Make Me Feel) Like a Natural Woman – Aretha Franklin
No explanation needed.

19. Foreplay/Long Time – Boston
A nice, long song, this shows that you have patience and enjoy foreplay. Both are good in a relationship with a woman.

20. Blue – Eiffel 65
Of course you want a strong finish, so you put Eiffel 65 here. Everyone loves the color blue, and again, repetition is key.

21. Run Rudolph Run – Hanson
All good tapes have a bonus track. In this case, the obvious choice is from Hanson’s Christmas album. It’s good and fast, and festive in the wintertime. What could be better?

Now that you’ve seen the perfect mix tape, no other mix tape will be as good. Go ahead and make a few copies for yourself and all of the women you know. If they already have a copy, it’s a good reason to mark them off of the “potential romance” list, because they must be hussies. I hope this note has helped you, because without a mix tape, romance would be nigh-impossible. Now, go and show the world that you know music and love like the back of your hand, and that way you can avoid using your hand. You’re welcome.

Brilliant Invention #1

Double-sided playing cards. One side has a light-colored background and dark lettering, the other side has a dark background and light lettering, and get this: they represent different cards. It’s brilliant.

I know what you’re thinking: people will just memorize which dark cards correspond to which light cards and completely fix the game, but that could never happen. People are generally good at heart, and will always endeavor to do the right thing. It’s that spark of the divine in all of us. That’s why this invention is perfect: because human nature is perfect, too.


In the future, fruit will be genetically bred with bar codes already on it.

I don’t go outside enough.

One should not take the McRib’s name in vain.

When Sonic Adventure 2 came out, McDonald’s had small Sonic video games. I lost mine.

Fiber supplements aren’t as helpful as they should be.

I own 3 black light flashlights.

Suspension bondage is probably good exercise.

Chickens vs. Whales

So, I went to KFC for some delicious fried chicken for dinner tonight. I got the “2-piece thigh and leg” with biscuit and Dr Pepper. In the process of consuming the thigh portion of the meal, I discovered what I can only assume was a chicken spine attached by breading to the thigh. Explain to me how a chicken spine becomes attached to a chicken thigh. Disgusting.

I wish I could say that I waxed philosophical about the whole thing, imagining for instance that all of the signals that passed through this particular spine were probably pain, because of the way that chickens are treated by this particular corporation. Instead, I thought “ew” and promptly separated all of the vertebrae. I also wish I could say I didn’t finish the rest of the chicken, but I did. However, I will take a stand right now and stop eating KFC for as long as my fat ass can survive without it.

Which brings me to my next point. Humans have long proven incapable of managing the planet. It’s time for a more mature, capable species to take over. Whales. Whales need to rise up with their flippers of might and forcefully reclaim the planet. The time is now.